What am I doing with my life? What am I good at? What do I feel passionate about? I have been asking myself these questions over the past week or so because I am beginning to feel out of place as a scottsdale community college film student. My experience and knowledge of the subject is way below that of my peers, and people have been taking notice. It's embarrassing. I don't like it. I don't want to be known as the girl who doesn't know what she's doing. I should add that my other major at the school is music business. However, I haven't been taking classes in the major the whole year for a couple reasons: 1. the classes overlap and 2. I'm not really satisfied with them, I would much rather take a film class. Pretty much every student in the film program came to the school with some form of experience in their belt. I did not, unless you want to count the few film studies classes I had at ASU. And even in those classes, I was behind my peers. I'm sure some people wonder what I am doing as a film major. I used to feel strongly about my answer, but I don't anymore because reality has hit me. Me, who used to envision myself becoming a famous director, would now be happy just graduating with a degree and working behind-the-scenes for like Ellen or something. I am a student at scottsdale cc to learn the craft, not to get famous. I am not big-headed like several of the other students there. I would just like to finish and move on with my life.
My most recent embarrassing experience as a film student occurred tonight after we viewed footage from other students in my cinematography class. We each had to go around and give our own critique of their footage. I was probably the 5th person to speak and by that time, everyone had already stated what I would say. So I said "ditto to what everyone else has said." I didn't say much beyond that, and my teacher seemed to expect more from me. I'm sorry but I am not that consumed by the technical and thematic elements of film. I like to analyze it to a certain extent, but I'm not crazy like you people. I don't care about it THAT much. There is nothing out there that I care about a whole lot. Even though I see myself as more of a music person, my knowledge of the subject is still pretty limited. There are tons of people out there who are not studying the subject that know way more about it than I do. I'm pretty much just a groupie :P and that's where I find my place in this world
Part of me really hopes that I do get accepted into Belmont, so I can move on. If I don't go to Belmont for whatever reason, I would like to take a stab at finishing things off at SCC. I do need more outside instruction though. A film camp (if one existed) would be great and could really improve my confidence
